Some Days
by Ryeloza
Summary: One shot. And she knows, she does love her sisters, so much. Some days, though, she really hates them. Piper, Phoebe and Paige try to define their relationship. Rated T for language.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Charmed_ or anything related to it.

**A/n:** This is set before Paige tells Henry she is a witch, even if it might not make sense to some people date wise. I have my own time line, so the way things happened in time are a little skewed. Just trust my screwy brain, please.

**Dedication: **I'd like to dedicate this to everyone who has a sister. They're a joy in life, even when they're being a pain in the ass.

* * *

**Some Days **

**-One-**

As much as she loves them

_overwhelmingly, suffocatingly_

she simultaneously hates them. And she hates herself, too, because she feels guilty and weak and pathetic

_some days she just wants to disappear_.

The hate is released in the only way she knows (passive aggressively)

_she needles them into coming home, into abandoning their lives because hers is stuck in the monotony of grief_

Deep down she knows that she should be happy for them, but once in awhile she wants to scream at them

_what about me?_

It is selfish, but why isn't she allowed to be once in awhile. They are, often.

The anger is more irrationally directed at Paige.

_In her heart she is thrilled that Paige finally has someone_

but she can't help but wonder why it had to be now. When Leo is gone and she's leaving the kids with Dad too often and Phoebe is gone...

_traitor_.

Yes, that is where her anger really lies.

She's sick of Phoebe leaving. After Grams died. After Prue died. After Leo left. After Leo was stolen. Why couldn't she leave at an opportune time? Like before Wyatt was born. Or that brief time when she and Leo and the kids were okay. Logically, she knows it was because the demonic threats were too much at those time, but still...

It is this time of day that is the worst

_the kids are in bed and Paige is with Henry and Leo and Phoebe are gone_

and she usually puts on the TV and tries to block out her thoughts. But tonight

_oh, tonight_

tonight she can't. So she sits in the closet in Phoebe's bedroom

_which once upon a time was Prue's when they were all very young and naive_

just as she did when she was little and scared or upset. Tonight she is scared and upset, and even though she is an adult, she still hides herself. Tonight, she misses Prue so much she physically hurts. Her muscles ache and are heavy, her eyes tear without effort, and a headache threatens behind her eyes. She tells herself that Prue would have known. That she would never have left her alone on this night of all nights. Logically, she knows that Prue was not perfect and could very well

_if she had lived_

been busy with work or kids or a demon. But Prue, at least, would be trying to help bring Leo back. That she knows for sure.

She sets the baby monitor on the floor and leans back against the wall. She wishes there were clothes in here

_they were a comfort_.

She wonders if she didn't have the kids, would she be drunk by now?

_Would she be at all sane, is a better question_.

Please come back, she thinks hard, not sure at whom she is directing the question.

_Leo? Prue? Mom? Grams? Her other sisters?_

Just...please...

Lately, she wonders a lot about what their lives would be like if they had given up their powers after vanquishing the Source. Would she still have Leo? Would Chris have come back to the past? Would Paige and Phoebe be here? Would she have been able to protect her boys? It's dangerous playing the what if game, but without the alcohol or her sisters she doesn't have much else.

Please, she says out loud this time, please just bring someone...anyone...

There is silence, and she ponders what would happen if she went upstairs and tried to summon Prue. Has it been long enough? Has she separated the idea of live Prue from spirit Prue? She thinks that the fact that she is still imagining her big sister showing up to save her is a bad sign, but she doesn't fucking care

_she just wants someone to tell her it will be okay_.

Chris begins to cry, and she picks up the monitor and exits the closet, not bothering to wipe away her tears. Maybe deep down her baby knows what this day is

_unlike her damn sisters_

and he needs comfort as badly as she does. She enters the boys' room and picks up Chris, clutching him to her body, soothing with soft sounds and security

_she will never be the one to leave_.

He begins to calm immediately, and she leaves the room so Wyatt won't wake up, and takes Chris to Phoebe's room, sitting down in the closet again, but not closing the door. Chris snuggles into her and his fist drifts toward his mouth while she cries silently, for eternity. Even once he is asleep, she continues to hold him, drawing love and warmth from her baby.

"Piper?" she hears Paige call out

_she is thrilled someone is home, and pissed that Paige sounds happy and is yelling when she knows the kids are sleeping_

but she doesn't respond. "Piper?" again. Quiet, and then footsteps coming up the stairs. Paige will find her, yes, and then she does not know what will happen.

Finally, Paige enters the dark room and flicks on the light, illuminating her and Chris. Behind Paige, she sees Henry, holding back, grinning. He has not yet seen her. "Oh my God. Piper," Paige says, and she wonders how awful she must look to illicit that response.

"Is she okay?" asks Henry, his grin gone. He sounds genuinely concerned. She wonders if Paige has mentioned Leo to him.

"I don't know," says Paige. She crosses the room, her heels clicking, and crouches, peering into the closet.

"Go away," she says, tightening her hold on Chris.

_She desperately hopes Paige won't listen_.

"Here," says Paige. "Let me take Chris. Then we can talk."

She will not give her baby away

_she will never abandon_ _him._

Henry floats awkwardly in the background. "No," she says. Her voice is raw.

"Piper, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

She struggles to her feet, as does Paige, and glares. "Look at a calender." And she storms away, past poor Henry, and back to put Chris in his crib

_she can't cling to him forever_

so he won't wake up when the fighting ensues.

But then she's stuck. Paige and Henry are still in Phoebe's room, she can't have the inevitable fight in the boys' room, but she doesn't want to go in the hall. She rubs her hands against her cheeks

_they are soaking_

and sucks it up. She goes into the hall.

Paige and Henry hover in the doorway of Phoebe's room, but when she comes out in the hall

_she stands facing them, her hands crossed over her chest_

Paige rushes forward, coming to her and wrapping her arms around her.

"I'm sorry," says Paige. "I'm so sorry."

For a moment, she maintains her composure, then she crumples from the inside-out, sobbing, clinging to Paige. They lower to the ground, half-kneeling, half-sitting in the hallway, and Paige whispers apologies while stroking her hair and soothing her incurable pain.

"I miss him so much," she says to herself as much as Paige. "I miss everyone so much."

"We'll get Leo back," Paige says. "And you still have me. I promise."

She pulls back and takes a shaky breath. She's not sure if she believes

_though she knows she does_

and she still hurts. It is numbing again, though.

"You should get some sleep," Paige says. "I can use that sleeping spell from a few years ago if you don't think you'll be able to."

She shakes her head. "I'll be okay," she says

_she won't be_

and she leaves them in the hall and goes into her room. In bed, she sighs and closes her eyes and whispers, "Thank you." And she knows, she does love her sisters, so much.

_Some days, though_, _she really hates them._

**-Two-**

Phoebe is in her apartment, sitting on her bed and trying to decide which color to paint her fingernails. She has two colors, a vivacious pink she bought years ago, back before Prue had died; a happy, girly color that reminds her of sunsets and kisses and passion, of days before she became who she is today. _This is the color I will never be again_. The other color is a pale pink; subdued; a picture of success. She thinks this is more appropriate, so she unscrews the top and begins to paint. _This is me now_.

Most of the time, she pushes any thoughts of her previous life out of her mind, and focuses solely on what is in front of her: success, parties, sex, work, laughter, money. There is no good, she thinks, in looking at what used to be. She has never felt that way, and she never will. In some ways, she thinks it is the fundamental thing that separates her from her sisters; Piper and Paige dwell on the past so much that at times it becomes their identity. Some days, she wants to tell Piper to just get over Leo (what happened is unfair, but if Piper had just moved on back when Leo became an Elder, Leo wouldn't even be in this predicament and she'd probably be in a healthy relationship now). And Paige needs to stop thinking in terms of her life as an only child, to stop wishing for a time when she didn't have sisters. Even Prue had let her past dictate her life, obsessive over their mother's death and still partially in love with Andy until the day she died. _Why am I so different?_

She runs the brush over her last fingernail and pulls her hand back, admiring her work. The color suits her, she thinks. It is definitely a sign she's moving forward. She caps the bottle and sets it on her night stand, then sits back to blow on her nails. Within seconds, she's rudely interrupted by the phone.

"Phoebe!" says Paige, sounding worried and tired and somewhat annoyed. "Do you know what day it is?"

"Wednesday," says Phoebe, laughing a little in an attempt to lighten Paige's tone of voice.

"The date," Paige clarifies, but before Phoebe can respond, Paige says, "It's February 22nd."

So, she wants to say, and then it dawns on her. Piper and Leo's anniversary. "Oh," she says. "Oh no. Is Piper okay?"

Paige laughs, but it is the unnatural, are-you-kidding-me laugh she does when she's tense. "If you call her sitting in a closet crying okay, then yes."

Phoebe puts a hand to her forehead, trying to will the tension away. "Do I need to come over?"

There is a long pause, and then Paige says, "_No_, Phoebe. Don't trouble yourself. If Piper wakes up and has another nervous breakdown, I'll handle it myself."

_Why do my sisters constantly attack me?_ "I'll come over," she offers, hoping she sounds generous and not annoyed.

"I'm really worried about Piper," says Paige, ignoring Phoebe. "This behavior isn't healthy. I think she needs help."

"She's not going to go to a psychologist," Phoebe says. "She hates that kind of thing."

"Maybe," Paige begins hesitantly, "she just needs us to be there for her more often."

She sighs inwardly, feeling irrationally angry at Piper. Never satisfied, never happy, never looking for the good in a situation. The woman is thirty-three years old, for heaven's sake, and yet she continues on in a haze of blinding melancholy. "Don't you ever wish Piper could just be happy with what she has?" Phoebe asks, reaching out to find some common link with Paige. _Our relationship has been disintegrating_.

"I think that if the universe would stop fucking around with her life she could be happy. She used to be, didn't she?"

"No," says Phoebe honestly. "I don't think Piper has ever been content with her life. Nothing was ever good enough. She could never concentrate on what she had, just what she was missing."

Paige is quiet, and Phoebe wonders what her reaction will be. Outrage? Agreement? Indifference?

Finally, she says, "Sometimes, I want to tell Piper to shut up, because her pain is taking away from my happiness. But then this little part of me pipes up and reminds me that Piper is the way she is because she keeps losing the things she loves." Paige sighs. "I just think that if she could have the entire family together with no problems, no conflict, she'd be okay."

"Piper isn't the only one who has lost things," says Phoebe softly. "You and I have too, and we don't act like she does."

"I don't think it's the same for us," says Paige. "I rarely let people get close to me, so I've never really lost anyone I love. Only my parents, you know. And...well...you're a selfish bitch."

_Excuse me?_ "Excuse me?" Phoebe says, scoffing. "What the hell did you just say?"

"I just...Phoebe, when was the last time you put someone else's needs before your own?"

Phoebe sits, open-mouthed, comically moving her mouth with no sound escaping. Her outrage rises more and more, and so she spits out the first thing that comes to mind, "You should talk, Miss Only Child." And then, in a move she will later regret, she hangs up the phone.

Flopping back on the bed, Phoebe crosses her arms tightly over her chest and fights back tears. She suddenly feels like she did nearly ten years ago when she hat to constantly listen to Prue's criticism of her every life decision. Her oldest sister had accused her of the same thing, many a time. But she had changed. _I've changed. I'm not like that any more!_

As she lies there, though, thoughts flit back to her. Memories forgotten, repressed, left behind...

_I'm going to New York..._

_I don't think P3 is going to make it..._

_I don't think you and Leo should get married..._

_I don't have time for this...I have to work..._

_Cole's my family now..._

_I'll help you on my terms..._

_I'm moving out..._

_I, I, I, I, I..._

The list goes on and on, and with each new item she feels her heart break a little more. When is the last time she had a premonition? When is the last time she willingly sought out an innocent to help? It can't have always been this bad. Once upon a time Phoebe Halliwell had thought about other people, hadn't she? She looks down at her fingernails, which she so pridefully painted just thirty minutes ago. _New color. New life_. Desperately, she scrambles off of the bed, grabbing the pale pink polish off of her night stand and throwing it into the trash can. Then she goes into the bathroom, and pulls down the nail polish remover. Prue had once told her that some day she'd have to think of someone other than herself.

_Some day has come_.

**-Three-**

Paige stares at the phone, not surprised that Phoebe has hung up on her, but hurt by her comment before she did.

"Is everything okay?" asks Henry, coming up behind her and rubbing her shoulders. Paige leans her head to the side and sighs.

"Phoebe hung up on me," she says. "But I think I deserved it. I called her a bitch."

"I heard."

"She just drives me so crazy sometimes," says Paige, turning to face her boyfriend. "She moves out and leaves me alone with Piper, who is clearly going off of the deep end. And she never wants to help out with anything anymore. I mean, I understand her wanting her own life, but does she have to cut us out of it to get it? And she says I want to be the only child."

"She said that?" asks Henry, and Paige flits her eyes downward, upset that she let that slip. She didn't mean to.

_Mommy, can I have a sister for Christmas? I really want a sister._

"It's no big deal," says Paige. "I mean, I have tried to go out on my own. Sometimes the whole sister hierarchy, majority rules stuff gets to me, you know?"

"I don't think anyone can blame you for that," says Henry, and she wonders if he would say the same if he knew all of the details of their lives. Would he approve, knowing she had purposely endangered her sisters in the past, for the sake of having her own way?

"Phoebe and I used to be a lot closer," Paige tells him. "And then...well...I don't really know what happened, but all of a sudden it's like Piper and I are on the same wavelength and Phoebe's the one who is on the outside. And I'm happy about finally being closer to Piper, but I really miss Pheebs sometimes." She shrugs. "Some days I think we'd all be better off if things were the way they used to be."

_I feel so alone. Do you think I should try to find my biological parents?_

"It could all shift back again," says Henry. "You never know."

Paige nods. "When Leo comes back," she says. "I think it will when Leo comes back."

Henry looks at her quizzically, and she knows he wants to bring up the subject of just where Leo went again. He refrains though, and for that she's very thankful. "He held the family together?" he asks.

"No," says Paige, smiling slightly. "Piper held the family together. Leo held her together."

He laughs, and Paige revels in it, revels in him. Every time she sees him, she's still surprised how much she loves him. She's finally found what she only saw her sisters have before, and she wonders if she can keep her tenuous hold on it when none of her sister have ever been able to. Can she be the successful one?

_I have two sisters. Can you believe it? Two!_

"I love you," she says. "Thank you for being here tonight. For helping me deal with...everything."

Henry smiles, and then kisses her, briefly. "I'll always be around, Paige," he says. "I'm crazy about you. And I have a feeling your crazy sisters will grow on me too."

"They have a way of doing that," Paige says. "I'm not sure how."

They kiss again, and Paige feels the tension of the night draining out of her. A little part of her still belongs entirely to her sisters; it sobs for Piper and aches for Phoebe. For once, though, there is a balance to it. Henry is there to balance her entire life, and she has never been so grateful. With him there, she can be there for her sisters, and deal with them. With him there, she can have faith.

_Faith that some day, we'll be a family again_.

-fin-

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**Author's Notes**: This story started out as an attempt for me to write about Piper missing Leo on their anniversary (which, in my timeline, is Feb. 22). It transformed, however, and morphed into this. 

I really feel like the girls are drifting apart as sisters. They don't seem to have the same connection, or to be there for each other as much. This was my attempt to capture the separation each of them feels, the disconnection, and the pain. I hope I made a decent attempt.

Feedback is generously welcomed. Thank you so much for reading.

_Katie_


End file.
